You've found the love of your life. Now make sure that it's yours for the rest of you life with these ten easy steps.
1. Be Kind.
Kind seems a light-weight sort of word, but unlike love, it's a word we all understand. Kind is feeding a stray cat, or giving a complete stranger a helping hand. Its greatness likes in the fact that you don't have to do it, it's not required by law that you do it, it's not a matter of politics, or religion that you do it. You do it out of the fullness of your heart. You could say, kindness is love in action.
2. Be nice - in the old-fashioned way - that is don't be crude, rude or obnoxious. As my neighbour used to tell her two daughters, a dirty, slovenly, foul-mouthed young man will become a dirty old man - only more so. I guess that goes for the ladies too.
3. Don't enter a partnership with the idea of improving him or her. It's hard enough for you to ensure that you become everything you want to be, without doubling up on the job.
4. Be yourself.
Tricky that. One person who was himself with a vengeance was Socrates. He used to run around Athens day in and day out, being a great philosopher. Mrs. Socrates, in the meantime, used to run behind him screaming, 'For crying out loud, Socrates, get a job! Your kids are starving and my taking in neighbours' washing isn't cutting it.'
Socrates was being himself, but as a husband and father, he sucked.
Think of yourself on your own as a circle. When you're in a relationship your circle intersects with your partner's circle. There is still a lot of circle that is you as an individual, but that intersected bit has to be both of you. Here is where you negotiate, mediate and accommodate each other. Here's where your life together takes precedent over your life as yourself.
5.Be honest.
This is another tricky one. Tolstoy, the great Russian writer, on his wedding night, gave his very young bride his diaries. Here she learned of his life up to date, which included numerous interactions with women, one of whom still lived and worked on his estate, and was looking after a little Tolstoy they had produced some years back.
I wonder how he would have reacted if his bride had returned the favour by giving him her diaries which included her goings on with the butler and their little offspring.
The moral of the story? There's honesty and there's ego tripping. There's honesty which enlightens your relationship and there's honesty which makes you feel better by dumping your undesirable actions for your partner to carry.
6. Do things together and apart.
Don't give up all your friends and activities you enjoyed as a single person just because you are now in a relationship. Ideally, you'll be making new friends and taking up new activities as a couple. But as the wise man said, it's nice to make new friends, but even nicer to still keep the old ones.
7. Have things in common.
Opposites might attract, but as an ongoing thing, it's hard-going. The Victorian marriages, where men and women had little chance of getting to know each other until they were married, were imbued with boredom at best, and a lot of unhappiness at worst. Both partners had to get along with someone they had no understanding of.
No wonder George Osborne, in Vanity Fair, complains five minutes into his Honeymoon, that he's bored out of his skull with his sweet Amelia.
There are a lot of things that go into a happy, healthy relationship. Common interests and common backgrounds make a good start.
8. Fight Fair
Fight about what you're fighting about. Don't bring up every other argument and disagreement you've ever had. Just agree to resolve this particular problem only. And while doing this remember that not all arguments are worth winning.
Even the best military strategists knew that sometimes retreat was the better strategy. Don't set up to win every battle, only to find that you've lost the war.
9. Forget the words 'always' and 'never'.
Nothing is so annoying as being told, 'You always do that', or 'You never do this'. Let's face it, in real life, that is simply not true.
However, if in fact your partner never does what he or she should, or is annoying you by always doing what he or she shouldn't, why are you still in a relationship with this person? Get a life!
10. No ultimatum
If you value your partner or your relationship, don't ever issue an ultimatum unless you're prepared to live with the worst scenario. An ultimatum to a relationship is as a red rag to a bull. It makes your partner see red.
Of course, if you've been trying to get rid of your partner, and so far your hints have been falling on deaf ears, you might need something less subtle, like an ultimatum to get him or her out of your life.
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